The Joker vs The Phone
by DBAB
Summary: The Joker and Harley have a hard time trying to make one little call that could lead to mass destruction


It was 9 o'clock on the dot. The early morning sunlight dappled into the old warehouse via several holes and cracks all around the structure. In the very center of it all a rather unsavory looking character leaned back in an old office chair. His feet were propped up in a relaxed position ontop of an old rusted out metal desk. Impatiently, he ran his fingers through a thick head of green hair with one hand while he twirled a six shooter revolver in the other.

He was just about to yell out an obscenity or two for his having to wait on his assistant when his eye caught sight of a stay bird that had made its way into the warehouse. A malicious sneer crossed the man's face as he cocked the hammer of the gun. With almost expert marksmanship he lifted his arm and fired.

The poor bird never knew what hit it. One minute it was flying freely and the next, it had exploded into a cloud of feathers. This result, though slightly humorous to the man for half a second, proved somewhat unsatisfying in alleviating his impatience and the feeling finally overwhelmed him.

"Aren't you ready yet?" His voice echoed out through the whole building as he stuffed his weapon back into the shoulder holster he wore under his suit jacket.

"Almost." A female voice called out from one of the back rooms.

A few seconds later a young woman emerged wearing a skin tight red and black outfit. She scurried over to the man in the midst of trying to pull her blonde hair into a pair of loose pigtails.

"What's up, Puddin'?" She sang out as she approached the man at the desk.

Without turning around he leaned back so that his head was visible to her but upside down. He was still sporting a malicious grin. "Ah, Harley, my dear." He greeted her with a jovial yet cold voice. "It's about time."

The woman shrugged. "Sorry, Mr. J." She apologized. "I was looking for my favorite bat. Have you seen it?"

The man reached under the desk and withdrew the item. "Don't use the B-word around me." He said shoving the instrument at his companion who accepted it with glee.

"I wish he were here." She said giving a couple of practice swings. "Why I'd-"

"Get trounced." The other interrupted. "Now shut up and let ol' Joker show you his new toy."

As he spoke he reached into his pocket and produced a green and purple colored iPhone.

Harley shrugged. "It's a phone." She stated unimpressed. "Who you gonna call?"

The Joker rolled his eyes. "I'm not saying it." He replied to Harley's much visible disappointment. "But don't be sad." He comforted through a sinister tone. "We're about to kill hundreds of people."

"Ooooh!" Harley cooed. "How are we going to do that?"

The supervillain opened one of the side drawers to the desk. It squeaked horribly. Inside, underneath a set of joke teeth and a pile of fake vomit was thick black binder. Joker removed the useless objects and tossed them carelessly to one side. He then retrieved the binder and slammed it down hard onto the desk. The furniture vibrated with the impact giving the Joker a small thrill, but one only lasted a moment. A bigger thrill came when he actually threw open the binder to reveal a set of highly technical looking schematics.

"Do you know what this is?" The demented villain asked his subordinated as if he had just handed her a special gift.

Harley gawked at the pages in front of her for a moment then began to contort her face into several odd looking gestures.

"Uhhhhhhh. I…uh. Nope. Not a clue."

The Joker shook his head. "How did you ever get a PhD?" He mused.

The girl shrugged. "I cheated."

"This," the Joker explained, "are the schematics to the phone system inside the Gothem City office for governmental assistance. And this," he tapped a portion of the page in the binder, "is where the bomb is."

The red and black clad female clapped excitedly. "Ooooh!" She squealed. Can I help push the button."

"Oh but that's the beauty of it." The other gushed. "There is no button. You see, its all done by phone."

"Oooooh!" Harley squeaked a second time. "Death by phone."

"Precisely." The Joker agreed in a low malevolent tone. He picked up the iPhone and placed it on top of the binder, cracked his knuckles, then turned the device on.

"Watch this." He told his companion as he hit the button to turn on the speaker function. "It's so simple. I call a the number and as soon as somebody answers…BOOM."

The Joker extended his right index finger and slowly tapped out the number as if it were doing a dance across the key pad. When that was complete he swirled his hand around tapped the call button.

Almost instantly phone jumped to life. The sound of ringing emanated from the speakers. Joker and Harley leaned forward hoping to hear the sound of the immanent explosion. There was an audible click. Both villains held their breath. Then…

"You have reached the Gothem City office for governmental assistance. For English, press 1. Para Espanol…"

The Joker quickly pressed 1 hoping to expedite his plan. There was another audible click and again his and Harley's excitement level peaked. Then…

"Thank you. For assistance setting up an account press 1. For questions about a current account press 2…."

"Oh come on!" The Joker yelled at the phone, slamming one hand on the desk. The great thrill of wanton destruction was beginning to lose its appeal.

"What if you hit zero?" Harley suggested. "Sometimes that connects you to a person."

"Why Harl," the villain pushed back a faux tear. "I could kiss you."

"Really, Puddin'?"

"But first!" The Joker stretched out a long finger and touched the 0 button.

Suddenly the voice menu, which by now had begun to repeat its self, grew quiet. The two murderous fiends tensed for the inevitable sound of an explosions and screaming.

It rang. The tension grew to fever pitch. Then, there was a small click and…

"Hello-"

Joker and Harley glanced over at one another in deep anticipation. It was as if it were Christmas for them, watching and waiting with baited breath the same way anyone else might do when a child was about to open their gift.

Then… "Thank you for calling the Gothem City office for governmental assistance. All our lines are busy at the moment but your call us important to us. Please stay on the line and it will be answered in the order in which it was received."

The two super villains turned back to the phone in abject disbelief. It was such a simple easy plan but it seemed to be imploding right in front of them.

"Just give it a minute." Harley said, trying to encourage her man. "Maybe they're busy or in the bathroom."

"Hello, thank you for calling the Gothem City office for governmental assistance. All our lines are busy at the moment but your call is important to us. Please stay on the line and it will be answered in the order in which it was received."

The Joker began to drum his fingers impatiently on the desk. "Oh they're not busy." He groused. "They're not busy at all. They're standing around the coffee machine talking about who they saw on America's Got Talent last night!"

"Oooh." Harley chimed "Did you she that guy Michael sing? He -"

"Hello, thank you for calling the Gothem City office for governmental assistance. All our lines are busy at the moment but your call is important to us. Please stay on the line and it will be answered in the order in which it was received."

"Oh be quiet!" The other demanded of both his colleague and the recording at once. "It's not fair. Here I go to the trouble of rigging up an elaborate explosion and no one has the decency to follow through and answer the phone."

"Never mind, Puddin'. How's about ol' H.Q. drives over there and uses a grenade launcher on the place?"

"It's not the same." Joker whined, sounding even more disappointed than before.

"Hello, thank you for calling the Gothem City office for governmental assistance. All our lines are busy at the mo-"

"That's it!" In one quick motion the Joker reached backed, grabbed Harley's baseball bat and yanked it out of her hands. He then lifted the instrument over his head brought it down forcefully on top of the phone. The device cracked under the assault as pieces of plastic and electronic parts flew in several random directions.

The dark villain stared triumphantly at the mess. His plan might have failed but at least he was vindicated.

At least he thought so. Just as he had begun to relax into enjoying his minor victory the sound of a voice began to emanate from the remains of the phone. It was distorted and barley audible but there was no doubt about its message.

"Hello, thank you for calling the Gothem City office for governmental assistance. All our lines are busy at the moment but your call is important to us. Please stay on the line and it will be answered in the order in which it was received."

The dastardly duo stared down at the broken device in utter disbelief. Not only was it still working but it was still connected to the call. Moreover, to add insult to injury, it they were still on hold.

Harley Instinctively let out a small chuckle. "Wow." She remarked. "Guess they make those phones really well."

Joker was less than amused. He wasn't about to be outdone by some electronic device. He grabbed it off the desk and tossed it gently into the air in front if him. It went just high enough for him to ready Harley's baseball bat one more time for a good hard swing.

It connected as if the purple and green menace had been Babe Ruth himself, knocking what was left if the phone across to the far side of the warehouse.

But he wasn't finished even then for as the despised object began its downward arch back toward the earth the Joker reached into his jacket, pulled out his gun, then fired.

The phone exploded into a shower of plastic debris. It was finally dead.

"So." The Joker said calmly turning to his companion. "What would you like to do today?"

Harley shrugged. "How about we go hold up that new coffee joint? I'm dying for an espresso."


End file.
